THE TO-DO LIST EVERY BAD BITCH NEEDS IN HER MID-TWENTIES

In an attempt to avoid, well, this. Lindsay Lohan passed out drunk in Samantha Ronson’s car after being chucked out of Leonardo Di Caprio’s birthday party because she wasn’t on the list. Ya feel?

By Riley.

  • FIND YOUR RIDE OR DIES
    The boyfriend stealing/Zante bust-up/growing apart phase is officially done. Find your nearest and dearest and hold onto them, because they’re the ones who’ll be getting you through that mid-life crisis and chumming you to your weekly blue rinse when you’re 70.
  • LISTEN TO YOUR GUT
    No, your actual gut. Your metabolism has slowed itself right down, quit yoga, and piled on 3 ½ stone… and it’s up to you to help the little fatty out. There can be no more late night trips to McDonalds or all-day hangover binges. Say goodbye gut, gut is gone. Bloat is your friend now.
  • UPDATE YOUR CV
    Trust us on this one. Even if you find yourself skipping into work most mornings, you will begin to notice your patience for absolute dickheads growing thin – and it turns out your office is laced with them. Who wants to write their CV in a fit of rage? Forward planning, my friend.
  • LOOK IN THE MIRROR
    Really LOOK at your skin. Y’know all those anti-ageing products that you’ve ignored since you were 16? The Olay adverts that you assumed were for your nan? It’s time to tune in and take care of those sags and bags before it’s too late.
  • DRINK RED WINE
    Whether you love it or hate it… drink it. Something about turning the ripe old age of 26 or 27 changes your palette. Red wine will be one of those changes. Sure, lambrini was your teenage house party tipple and rosé got you through your uni dissertation: ‘An ode to Blossom Hill’ — but red wine is with you for the long haul. Plus, she’s a dream with cheese.
  • DRESS LIKE A BAD BITCH
    Let’s talk about your wardrobe, shall we? You probably hate 70% of it, and the other 30% was all bought in the past three months in a frenzied Asos spree when they were offering 2% off £350 spend. Choose your staples, find your colours, dress your shape. 
  • TAKE A CHANCE
    On your career. On love. On yourself. What have you got to lose? If it all goes to shit, there’s always the red wine.