New Year’s Resolutions.

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Alright 2018, let’s get fucked up.

By Riley.

Well, there we have it — you’re a walking, talking Ferrero Rocher and after a few too many Harvey Wallbangers decided to tell your weird uncle what you really thought of him once and for all. Christmas has passed and the new year is upon us — a time for quiet reflection, gratitude and love.

And swearing off everything that is good in life for the next 12 months, apparently.

ALCOHOL
Your one true friend at 4am after a night out, your confidant at 7pm after a hard day at work, your naughty little coffee shot at 1pm on a Tuesday because you feel like being a bit of a lush… and you’re going to drop her, just like that? Dry January is for fake bitches and hypocrites. Good luck being sad all month.

JUNK FOOD
Oh sure, once you’ve kicked the alcohol you definitely won’t seek comfort in a few squares of the good stuff, right? GURL PLEASE. It’s been scientifically proven that the occasional over-indulgence actually does something to our brain that makes us wittier, sharper, a better dresser, and overall a more decent person. Probably.

SOCIAL MEDIA
Yes, I do spend far too much time on my phone. Yes, I do understand that it’s the highlight reel and that it’s not real life. No, I do not want to do a ‘digital detox’ and shout it from the rooftops before and after I’ve done it. When I do want to put my phone down, I’ll get my brain to DM the appropriate motor neurons to get it done. It is possible to hashtag and #live at the same time.

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

No more passive aggressive ‘GOOD MOOORNING BABS!” at the coffee area? What’s the point in getting up in the morning. No more bitching? Ludicrous. No more *let’s face it* beating ourselves up for not being good enough for even our own expectations? Suck it up. These days happen, and when you have a day where not one negative thought creeps into your mind, you’ll feel much better for it. So go on, troll ya’self.

Let’s just enter 2018 as the bad bitches we are and see what happens, shall we?